Young Writers Society

Hey there Monument! June here again =)

I really love your style! It's so peaceful, and so intricate-- it's just great.

Let's start with nitpicks, dear, and then we'll move on to what I think of this. Let's begin:

a monotinous parade of blue lines march on into infinity.

• Monotinous should be spelled as monotonous; that I should be an O.

the scars turn to letters and the letters to words as the words conjure an entire universe around me.

• This line is feeling a touch wordy and repetitive, dear, since you use "Words" almost consecutively. You could easily drop the second "words" and turn "the" into the pronoun, "they." This was, words (since it's your antecedent) is implied that you're speaking about that.

I track the wise hand that guides the wooden tower that is the pencil.

• Hm, I'm not so sure that the usage of "that is" is doing this poem any good. It smells like deadwood, and it's just giving us a slight drag. Monument, I know you can rework this to sound more fluent. Take a stab at it!

and i behold the writer.

Any reason that pronoun, I, isn't capitalized, dear?

All in the hopes of gaining the favor of the my writers beloved readers.

• Not quite sure what you meant here, deary .

*

Let's see, what are you giving the readers by structuring your lines this way? Are you going to confuse them with this, or allow them to be pulled in by words and structure alike?

Why are you using this type of capitalization? Do you think that capitalizing the P in paper is necessary? Is it capitalized to show emphasis, or is that a typographical error?

What message are you conveying and trying to convey with this? Does the paper seem stronger than the writer here? Does it seem like the paper is generating effort or is it the writer/author that makes it go?

Who is your audience and what is your purpose with this?

* *

Personally, I like this a lot. In my opinion, it drifted a little in some spots. It seemed to waver where it should have held still.
The transitioning from one focus to another was okay. It could have been stronger-- but it was good.

The contrast between the writer, the paper, and the pencil/pen was a little weak, as well. I think that the writer should have been the strongest element, and then the pen, followed by the paper, but here, the paper seemed the strongest. That's fine-- because it's up to you to write how you interpret things.

However, I really, really like your imagery. It's rather vivid and interesting, and it's perfect-- it holds our interest throughout the poem.

The point conveyed was very clear, dear. There was little confusion involved while reading this. I enjoyed it immensely .

Two thumbs up!

Keep it up, Monument. I really like your poetry! Well done!

June

I really loved this, but I'm gonna get the nitpicks out of the way first. For starters, the beginnings of each line need to be capitalized. So far the the structure goes, the rhythm was fine, but the stanza organization was weird. Try to keep them all the same length. And one other thing:

I will speak in in poems
tak part in parables
be a resource of an essay
be called for in a manifesto

Any particular reason you didn't use any punctuation? And I think you meant take, not "tak."

Now onto the part where I get to gush. I really loved this poem. Not just the concept, but the actual poem itself. The imagery in the first part was awesome, I knew exactly what you were trying to get across, it was completely awesome. And yes, I know I already said that, but I can't think of a better word at the moment. Oh well. Gold Star!